What It Takes To Bleed
by Jin 2.5
Summary: [TEMP HIATUS]Roy loses everything after the death of Maes Hughes and now slowly his sanity starts to shatter.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer:Do not own FMA...

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uchiakerarenai dare mo shinjirarenai dare mo kare mo  
hora subete mienai sashikonda hikari ga kiete ima ni mo kareru  
uchiakerarenai koto wa watashi no yowasa watashi no kako  
eru mono mo aru keredo kitto te ni nigiru yasashisa ga kiete yuku to

kokoro ga tozashite ima ni mo kowarete yuku  
namida wo koroshite warau hibi yo  
kokoro ga shimeshita shinjiru imi no nasa wo  
watashi wo koroshita gizen hito yo

eru mono mo aru keredo kitto te ni nigiru yasashisa ga  
arifureta kotae wa ikiru koto hakushi ni modoshite umarekawaru

kokoro ga tozashite ima ni mo kuzureochiru  
namida wo koroshite sakebu hibi yo  
kokoro ga nokoshita shinjiru imi no tsuyosa  
watashi wo koroshita watashi kokoro

_-Mushi_

_Dir en Grey_

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Glass is everywhere, and blood is dripping from my knuckles, my mirror is shattered...what have I done now?

This is your fault, I want to say, but the words won't come up.

I need to vomit.

I'm hugging the toilet seat and it's all coming up, I'm gagging, I can't live like this.

I stay this way for hours, my arms clinging to the toilet, I'm helpless.

Do you see what you've done, I want to say, again the words never come up.

There's a knock at my door and I can't answer it.

It's Riza, she's calling out my name, only weeks before I would've wanted her to say my name, over and over and over again until she was screaming it.

Not anymore.

You've ruined my life, I need to say but still nothing comes up.

Finally I'm standing and I stagger to the door and open it.

I imagine I must look disgusting, having just vomited up all four of my daily meals and not getting any sleep for the past month has had to wane on my "charming good looks"

"Oh Roy, you look terrible." Riza whispers and pushes her way into my dormitory.

She rushes around, flushes my toilet, picks up my dirty laundry and crumpled up papers and puts books where they need to be and then my room looks normal once more as she raises the blinds.

Ironic, the weather is about as cheery as I am, it's raining, but it doesn't stop her from getting light in my room, she opens my window and lets a cold breeze in.

I watch her move around until she thrusts a towel and clean clothes I didn't know I had at me.

"Get cleaned up Colonel." She orders and I make my way to the bathroom.

She watches me go into the room and close the door.

I turn the cold water on and shed my layers of uniform and step into the freezing drizzle.

I make no effort to move as I stare down at my pale arms.

The blue veins are visible through my water-numbed skin.

And then I wonder what it would take to make those thin branch-like veins bleed.

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a/n: short and ooc...but oh well...the next chapter will be longer 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer:Do not own FMA...

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I can't open myself up to anyone I can't believe in anyone at all  
and I can't see anything the light that shines is disappearing, soon it will be gone  
unable to open myself up this is my weakness, my past  
I can get what I want, yet if I do, the kindness I'm holding onto will slip away  
the typical answer is when you die, you'll be reborn, come back again

my heart is shuttered, soon it will break apart  
stifling my tears, I laugh day after day  
my heart has shown me that believing is nothing  
those hypocrites killed me

my heart is shuttered, soon it will crumble away  
stifling my tears, I scream day after day  
my heart has left me with a belief in strength  
my own heart killed me

_-Mushi_

_Dir en Grey_

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I know just how stupid that idea is, but my reason is in as much turmoil as I am. My arm is out of the shower, knocking things off of the sink counter until I find what I'm looking for and as I hold up the glistening razorblade, I start to cry.

I stumbled from the shower, the blade long since forgotten and I fall to the floor.

"THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"I scream, my breathing coming in labored gasps and chokes.

I am not a strong man...I am not a man, men do not break down and cry, men are not weak.

There's Riza again, I hear her, talking through the door but I won't listen, I can't, there's a roaring in my ears and all I can see is white, blinding white and I think I'm dying.

"Colonel?Roy, please answer!" I think she's crying too, she is not as strong as she appears either.

She's still talking, I can hear it, an idiotic plead. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up,shut up, SHUT UP!

It's over, so suddenly, so sharp and painful and now I'm just lying fetally on the floor drenched and useless.

I can no longer hear Riza, maybe she's gone.

I slowly stagger to my feet and dress.

There's nothing to do, I realize as I leave my room so I continue to walk, slowly, dragging my feet, my hands in my pockets.

Why am I outside? The rain has stopped, only to be replaced by a bleak shower of flurries and snowflakes. I never liked the snow.

You did, you loved it, you could never wait for winter, you'd take Elsyia into the yard and your face with light up as you ran with her, playing in the pure white snow.

I look up, aware of where I now stand along the rows of tombstones.

It's useless, as am I, why am I here? I'll always ask myself that, always, no matter what.

As much as I know it would be painful, I continue on my path to you.

And there you are, I'm getting closer and I feel an awkward emptiness.

All that's left of you to see is your name, and I can't pull my eyes away.

It dawns on me now, as I stand over your grave, just how much I miss you, how much I needed you, how I loved you, if you heard me now you'd think I was on something, I never was no emotional, I could always be stoic, but not now.

If only I could've told you how much you meant to me, if only I had made it better...I could've saved you.

I can tell myself that yet I know it isn't true, I couldn't have done anything, I never could've and I'm an idiot to think so.

I feel tears suddenly and I'm crying for the second time in one day. What is wrong with me?

I'm on my knees, bawling like a baby as my knuckles turn white in the grip I have on your tombstone.

I feel everything inside of me being swallowed up into something huge and dark as I scream and sob.

"Come back." escapes my lips and then it's all I can say, scream, want, wish, need.

My whole body shakes with my cries and I just want to know what you did to deserve this?

You are so loving, so caring,you had a family that you could never have parted from, what did you do?

I know why this has happened, I know why everything is torn from a person's heart and ripped into shreds.

My tears slowly stop and I gasp for air, still clutching your tombstone I make up my mind.

"I will make this right...I promise you, I will make this right, I will give you everything...I will avenge you."

desino


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Do not own FMA…still

I've finally stopped crying.

I stare down at your tombstone, snow covering my once polished boots.

I want to avenge you, but how do you avenge a dead man, when he never told you why he died?

No, of course I know why you died…because of me, because I let you get involved with the Elric brothers.

I should've known what would happen; Not that I blame the brothers, this was not their fault.

It was mine.

I could go about this in so many ways, I've accepted this, but I could forget about and become insane, pretending you're still with me, talking to a wall.

Or I could hate you for breaking your promise to me.

I could hate the Elric brothers for letting you get involved.

Or I could realize you aren't coming back, I could realize you aren't going to baby sit me anymore, I could realize this and get over it.

But I blame myself, I could've controlled all of this, but now you're gone and I will make it up to you.

I continue to stare at your grave; my boots are no longer visible in the snow.

I shake snow out of my hair and turn away from your remaining shell. I sigh; I can't let this be, not this time.

I notice, at the cemetery gates, Riza; she's standing alone, next to a car.

"Colonel, let me take you home." She whispers to me and I get into the car without protest.

I ask her not to take me back to the dorms, I don't like that place, and you've been there too many times.

I want to go home.

Riza nods and pulls away from the gates, I stare out the window, I can no longer find you among the others, but it's alright, you're there, somewhere.

I sigh again and feel tears in my eyes.

I wipe quickly at my cheeks, watching the houses fly by.

I'll figure this all out in the end, you'll be alright.

I know the choices I am making will make me suffer politically but I'm doing it for you.

I look down at my lap and bite my lip.

I want to go home.

AN: Okay there ya go…


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